In2-MeC

New Santipura Farm, Poland
7 August 2003

Sriman Vidyagati Prabhu has been travelling with me now for a couple of years, during those periods I am in Europe. He is truly a great soul. Not only is he expert in all the things he does for me--all the personal services (prasadam preparation, laundry, packing, etc.), making travel arrangements, taking and processing photographs and video recordings, overseeing my tape ministery, assisting me in my daily puja, translating my lectures into Czech--he is an ocean of tolerance. Who else but the most tolerant of saintly persons could stand by such a eccentric as myself, keeping a cheerful mood and a ready service attitude? All glories to Vidyagati Prabhu!

Dear reader, you too can appear here in In2-MeC! Why not? Just send us a .jpg photofile of yourself along with a few words about who you are and what you are doing. It would be nice if you say something about In1-MeC also! Upload the photo and text to the In2-MeC e-mail address.

If you don't have a digital camera that takes .jpg photofiles, then you may try one thing I've heard about. (I have to admit I've not tried it myself...been too busy!) I understand that some Swedish Internet geniuses have devised a way to take digital photos using just your own computer monitor. That's right, a camera is not required! At least that's what I've been told. Go to this address and check it out yourself:
www.hb4u.com/photo/

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The weather here in New Santipura has been stunning. The colors of the day are absolutely gorgeous. The sunshine is golden, the sky is deep blue and unspotted by any cloud, the grass and trees are sparklingly green. A crystal-clear brook flows through the bottom of the valley, some meters down the hillside upon which the New Santipura temple is situated. The air is clean and sweet with the scent of the forest and fields all around. How wonderful is Lord Krsna's artistry!

nadyo 'sya nadyo 'tha tanu-ruhani
mahi-ruha visva-tanor nrpendra
ananta-viryah svasitam matarisva
gatir vayah karma guna-pravahah

O King, the rivers are the veins of the gigantic body, the trees are the hairs of His body, and the omnipotent air is His breath. The passing ages are His movements, and His activities are the reactions of the three modes of material nature.

This world at times can appear so beautiful, yet at every instant it is pervaded with countless souls who suffer immensely from their own ignorance. Little sparks blown here and there by the insistent demands that Nature puts upon them. Little sparks that think these demands imposed by nature are their own rightful necessities. Nature orders them, "Suffer hunger!" They think, "Yes, I must eat! It is my right to eat, even if I must eat you!"

As Nature drives them onward with the whip of desire, she changes her appearance from beautiful to horrible. Still the little sparks strive to satisfy their desires under any condition. We must strive to satisfy Krsna under any condition! That is liberation. To satisfy Krsna, we need only glorify His holy name. So easy and yet so hard. So hard because we keep insisting that all that we do--even devotional service to the Lord--should be done our way. But "our" way means maya's way. Maya's way means keeping our "self" at the center. (That "self-at-the-center" is illusion; Sri Krsna is really at the center, at all times, in all places, under all circumstances. The real self is His servant.)

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A singular illustration of the above paragraph keeps coming to my mind: those disciples of Srila Prabhupada, my Godbrothers, who insisted--and still insist--on being "guru" even when it became obvious that this is nothing more than self-centeredness. A few days ago I wrote about Harikesa Prabhu. He is just one example; but he is the one I knew best. To this very day he has disciples who keep an altar with Deities and his picture as spiritual master. But only his picture--no picture of Srila Prabhupada or the rest of the guru-parampara. Such disciples were his falldown. Or rather, that he imagined he had many such disciples who were ready to follow him anywhere, that was his falldown. As it turned out, when he revealed his mind to his disciples--that he rejected Srila Prabhupada and declared himself as having "love" of Krsna without Prabhupada, in fact Srila Prabhupada had robbed Harikesa of his "love", and by rejecting Srila Prabhupada Harikesa was reclaiming that "love"--most of them rejected him. But a few remained, and that was enough to preserve the illusion.

Once somebody asked Srila Prabhupada if he was the guru of Allen Ginsberg. His Divine Grace humbly replied, "I am nobody's guru." Another time he was asked if he is an authority on self-realization.

"Yes," he answered. Then: "Of course, I do not know whether I am an authority, but my spiritual master has authorized me to do this. I..I.." here Srila Prabhupada hesitated momentarily, seeming almost embarrassed. "I don't think of myself as an authority. I am just trying to serve the order of my spiritual master, that's all. But being an authority is not very difficult. Simply, if you try to understand Bhagavad-gita as Arjuna understood it, you will become self-realized. It is not a very difficult job. Unfortunately, people apply their own scholastic ideas in different ways, and so murder the whole process."

When I was small I saw a Walt Disney cartoon feature called Fantasia. I don't remember much about it except that it was full of magical special effects. Mickey Mouse was the apprentice of a great sorcerer, and he was eager to acquire his master's powers as quickly as he could. But although he could cast magical spells, he could not control them. Thus he became the victim of the powers that he sought to control.

Srila Prabhupada used to often speak of "Krsna's magic." A bona fide spiritual master uses Krsna's magic in His service. It is a pernicious temptation to use that magic in one's own service. The idea that "I am guru," "I am authority", is highly addictive. It is not only indulged in by the would-be guru, but his followers back him up in his delusion.

In fact I was told that another big ISKCON guru of former times (one who is now a guru under his own flag outside of ISKCON) lamented that he had fallen into bad habits because "I'm all backed up." Meaning that he had disciples behind him no matter what he did, even if he broke the state law. What a trap!

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This is maya's business, to set traps for the wayward little soul. There is no law above her that says, "Thou shalt set only traps that take the shape of gross materialistic sense gratification. Thou shalt set no traps that appear to be spiritual." Speaking to Uddhava in Srimad-Bhagavatam 11.28.29, Lord Krsna explains that such "spiritual" traps are actually for the ultimate good:

kuyogino ye vihitantarayair
manusya-bhutais tridasopasrstaih
te praktanabhyasa-balena bhuyo
yunjanti yogam na tu karma-tantram

Sometimes the progress of imperfect transcendentalists is checked by attachment to family members, disciples or others, who are sent by envious demigods for that purpose. But on the strength of their accumulated advancement, such imperfect transcendentalists will resume their practice of yoga in the next life. They will never again be trapped in the network of fruitive work.

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For the past month I've been thinking deeply about these issues. In some previous entry here at In2-MeC I stated that I am "thinking" about accepting disciples again after Gaura Purnima 2004. Well, thinking is just thinking. Doing is another thing.

Here's what it comes down to: when I think about giving out first initiations again, my heart sinks.

I've already initiated nearly 200 disciples. Many of these initiations were just mechanical functions of the ISKCON institution: a bhakta or bhaktin has been in the temple for the prescribed period, the temple president has recommended the canditate to me, I give beads and a name. And then later on, so that there can be another brahmana to put on the temple schedule for cooking and Deity worship, I give second initiation.

In such an institutional set-up, it is very, very difficult (at least for me) to restrict initiation to some blessed "chosen few." If you initiate one, then others think, "why not me too?" The Society is geared to "making" devotees. ISKCON spiritual masters are there to initiate these devotees on behalf of the Society. Gurus are actually discouraged from thinking that the devotees they initiate are "their" disciples. In this way, I find I have given initiation to many disciples whom I don't actually feel that close to. Of course, there are disciples to whom I really do feel close. But in this institution it is not easy to keep it that way. At least that is the way I see it.

As a transcendentalist, I am imperfect. From the time I was elected chairman of the GBC in 1996 until 2002, I suffered terribly from overt depression. It is the nature of the kapha body I have to sink into depression; moreover, on the maternal side of my family are many relations who suffer depression. This is an illness that is inherited, and I have definitely inherited it. And because for years I did not deal with this depression, it made me pay a spiritual penalty. Finally, in years 2001 and -2, I took Ayurvedic treatment, which was helpful. I resigned from the GBC in 2003 and that definitely helped. Plus, over the past year I've been on a radically sattvic diet of raw fruits, vegetables, nuts and pure milk products. Recently I've come under the care of a Czech homeopathic doctor. Her treatment, though it seems very unusual, is really very promising. At present I really feel I have entered a bright new period of my life.

The sannyasa asrama is the right asrama for me. To be happy in it, I simply need to preach. But to preach effectively, I need to be happy. To be happy, I need to be free. I am realizing that my "responsibilities" as a "leader" in the ISKCON institution are like a weight around my neck. In my heart I know that I have to put this weight down. I've consulted with several Godbrothers about this, and they see this the same way I do. One prominent GBC Godbrother admitted that he is resigning from the GBC for the same reason I did: to simply survive in Krsna consciousness. Another sannyasi Godbrother, who himself is a guru, confided to me that in his opinion real sannyasi life is to travel, preach and enliven devotees without any option of accepting disciples. A few days ago I wrote to another Godbrother staying that I feel the need to halt all pretense of being a leader within ISKCON and just preach as a "private disciple" of my spiritual master. He was very enlivened. He wrote back to tell me he personally felt the same way about himself, and strongly encouraged me to go this path.

This last Godbrother had some interesting remarks to make on the state of ISKCON today. Yes, it really does seem in key ways to be a different Society from the one we disciples of Srila Prabhupada fondly remember. Speaking for myself, the jury has not yet returned a verdict on what aspects of ISKCON today are "better" or "worse" than the ISKCON of yesterday. Because of my personal penchant for philosophizing, I am sceptical of claims that progress is being made. We are still in the material world, after all. To think that conditions in the material world are getting better is to court complacent self-delusion, in my opinion.

In fact this may have contributed to my depression: in recent years I've observed devotees on and around the GBC import fashionable ideas from the karmi world into the managerial brain of ISKCON, and I've noted how, by a process of self-mesmerization, these devotees convince themselves that "now we are making progress." Well, first of all I don't know that I really believe in the concept of progress. Change, yes. Things in the material world certainly do change. But at the same time, advancement in one area of activity always seems to bring with it degradation in some other area. Thus "progress" is really a trade-off: cars get you where you want to go faster than horses, but at the cost of air pollution, destruction of nature, and much higher loss of life in traffic accidents. That's a general philosophical observation. If I were to get specific and talk about what I've seen during the years I sat on the GBC Body, I would have to say that the GBC's time is mostly taken up with correcting the mistakes of the past, not with instituting pristine, brand-new "proactive" policies for the future. And as I have observed, in trying to correct the mistakes of the past the GBC has made mistakes that right now need correcting. Thus pep talks about progress tend to leave me feeling deflated.

Anyway, the bottom line is that I do not want to be in a position where I have to grapple with all these issues. I want to be free, because I want to be happy, because I want to preach effectively in the service of my spiritual master. So...as I was saying a few paragraphs before, when I think that in the year 2004 I may begin giving first initiations again, my heart sinks. By doing that I am binding myself to an institutional role that clouded with uncertainties. There are Societal uncertainties. There are my own uncertainties of health and consequent spiritual strength. In the midst of that, there is just one certainty: that if I start initiating again, I won't be free. And so it follows: if I won't be free, I won't be happy. If I'm not happy, I won't preach nicely. If I can't preach nicely, then what is the use?

What I know that I want to do is to study deeply over a period of years; and to preach on the fruit of my study. Bas.

So what I am looking at now is to not resume giving first initiations at any predictable time. In the year 2004 I do want to finish giving second initiations to the first-initiated disciples who are qualified, with the blessings of the GBC Godbrothers who are overseeing the areas where these candidates for second initiation are serving.

I've already written personal letters to several aspirants for first initiation, advising them to seek diksa elsewhere. It's hard to do, especially when they reply, as a couple have, that they will simply wait until I do take up initiating again (10 years? 15 years? Maybe never!). It's not a realistic hope, and I tell them that, but I also am not going to hammer a faith that is so hard to find in this Kali-yuga. All I can say is, you may dedicate your faith to me, but that does not oblige me to give you initiation.

I am perfectly willing to be your siksa guru, if you so desire. In the present scheme of things, that loads little or no institutional responsibility upon my back.

Those who find themselves directly affected by what I've written here may write me a personal e-mail, or may wait to speak with me face-to-face if I am coming to your locale soon.

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